


Out of Order

by LureSanta



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Divorce, Gay Marriage, Lure Santa Exchange 2011, M/M, Second Chances, gay divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-16
Updated: 2011-12-16
Packaged: 2017-10-27 10:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/294816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LureSanta/pseuds/LureSanta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gift for sleeper6, created by LureSanta - Posted December 16</p><p>After a 7-year marriage, Luke and Reid separated. Soon before Luke’s second wedding, they must sign the divorce papers. Can they do it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of Order

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sleeper6](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=sleeper6).



1.

He didn’t think it would feel real until he put the pen to paper.

After all the years and joy and heartache, it was actually becoming official. Legally recognized. The finality of the paperwork didn’t escape him. The manila envelope felt heavy tucked under his arm.

Luke walked through Memorial with his face turned to the ground, hands fidgeting in his pockets. It was eerily quiet except for the buzz of the neon overheads and the occasional chatter of the night staff. He paused in the once-familiar hallway and indulged himself for a moment in the memory of his wedding day with Reid. Five years into their relationship, they were one of the first gay couples to be legally married in the state of Illinois. It was beautiful in its simplicity – just Luke, Reid and a good-humored justice of the peace named Stuart.

******

 _Eight Years Earlier_

 _It was the end of the ceremony and Luke hadn’t immediately registered the words “You may kiss,” but was instead grinning madly at Reid as if floating in an impenetrable haze of bliss. Stuart the justice cleared his throat and chuckled, and Reid released one of Luke’s hands to give him a playful pinch in the side._

 _“Hey,” Luke laughed, catching the eye of the justice and then remembering the words he had missed. “Oh! We’re supposed to kiss now, right?” Luke inquired, winking at Reid._

 _“I’m told that’s the general protocol at these things,” Reid replied, also clearly unable to stop the wide, crooked grin from splitting his face. Reid’s hands swept up Luke’s arms to cup his face, thumbs brushing the freshly-shaven skin there and giving Luke that sweet, warm feeling in his stomach. Luke’s hands automatically encircled Reid, pulling him closer and relishing the soft fabric of the tuxedo. Chests flush, it happened in an instant that felt neverending. Reid closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Luke’s, the kiss sweetly off-center but intense, tongues shyly savoring their mutual promise of forever._

******

Luke felt the need to sit and found a chair a few feet away resting against the wall, sighing as he let his weight fall into the worn cushions. He didn’t know if he could do this. After almost a year of separation, Luke had almost forgotten what his soon-to-be-ex husband looked like. _No_ , he thought to himself, _of course I haven’t forgotten._

Luke had strategically avoided Reid after the break-up, and it was clear that Reid had done the same. Reid had stayed in Oakdale, while Luke had moved to Chicago with his new boyfriend. When Luke had heard Reid’s voice the previous week during the phone call that had led up to tonight’s meeting, it was the first time they had spoken in months.

******

 _One Week Earlier_

 _The phone rang twice before a painfully familiar voice answered. “Dr. Oliver.”_

 _“Reid? Hi. I’ve got the divorce papers finalized and ready for our signatures.” Luke wanted to stick to only the requisite facts._

 _The other end of the line was silent for a moment before Reid cleared his throat and replied, “Yeah, OK. Just come by the hospital next week.”_

 _Luke sighed without making a sound. “Any time in particular?”_

 _“Late. You know the drill,” Reid replied succinctly._

 _Luke had nodded tensely even though he knew Reid couldn’t see him. “Yeah… I’ll see you then.”_

******

The phone call had ended just like that. And now Luke sat here like a chess player in stalemate, unable to move. He took a deep breath and thought about Paul. Paul, whom he was going to marry in a week. Paul, whom he loved. Luke’s marriage to Reid felt like a past life, and tonight would be its true ending. Its _necessary_ ending. Without a legal divorce, there could be no legal remarriage. The closing of one door would allow the next to be opened.

Luke checked his watch; it was a quarter after 10. He knew Reid regularly stayed late at the hospital, finishing up his work or otherwise being the chief-of-staff superhero. He remembered that this had been a source of difficulty during the latter half of their marriage.

******

 _Three Years Earlier_

 _Luke slouched at the breakfast table over some foundation paperwork, chin leaning against one hand. It was after midnight and Reid wasn’t home. Fourth straight day this week. If nothing else, Luke was concerned about the pressure Reid was putting on himself, running on four hours of sleep a night. But there was most definitely something else that worried Luke. Reid’s schedule had become so demanding that it had sucked the life out of their marriage. Reid would come home and be too exhausted to talk, too exhausted for sex, too exhausted for Luke. On the weekends, when Luke would hold out some hope of spending time together, Reid would make up for the sleep he’d lost during the week. Luke sighed._

 _These days, Luke didn’t often wait up for Reid, but tonight was different because he had some of his own work to finish. He stretched open his mouth in a yawn and drained the last of his cold coffee._

 _The sound of a key turning a lock caught Luke’s attention. He sat up and waited, curious about whether Reid would stop by the kitchen or head straight up the stairs to the bedroom. Luke heard him take off his shoes and hang his coat in the hall closet, then silence. Reid must’ve noticed the kitchen light on because his footsteps grew louder. Luke busied himself, leaning over his work again and pretending not to notice Reid entering the room._

 _Reid stopped in the doorway and cleared his throat. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were still up.”_

 _Luke looked up and briefly met Reid’s sleepy eyes. He didn’t have the heart to burden Reid with his concerns right now. “I’m almost done here,” he said instead._

 _After a pause, Reid shuffled to the sink and filled a glass with water. His gulps sounded almost unnaturally loud to Luke’s ears. In the corner of his eye he spotted Reid’s hand massaging his own neck. Luke found himself recalling massages he’d given to Reid in the past, always so sensual and often followed by sex. He debated offering one to Reid now, but it had just been so long since they’d done something fun and spontaneous like that and Luke didn’t want to risk his offer being declined and stayed silent._

 _Reid refilled his glass and mumbled a soft “Good night” as he wandered back out of the kitchen the way he came._

 _By the time Luke joined him in bed, Reid was asleep._

******

Luke shifted in the hospital chair, crossing and uncrossing his legs, folding and unfolding his hands, and continued his introspection. He had always known how important Reid’s career was to him. It was something Luke had loved and admired about Reid – his drive, his passion and commitment, and his sense of purpose. When Reid had been promoted to Chief of Staff early on in their relationship, Luke couldn’t contain the pride he felt in Reid and had celebrated with him. Luke had quickly grown accustomed to the arduous hours he worked and for years, Reid himself had always seemed more than eager to show Luke how much he hated to be away from him.

But as the years went by, they saw less and less of each other, and when they did, they spoke less and less. Their conversations eventually became brief, two-sentence spurts of niceties. Their sex life became nearly nonexistent. Luke never even saw it coming, but he gradually fostered resentments toward Reid.

They pretended all was well while their lives slowly drifted apart.

Despite Reid’s demanding job, Luke didn’t pretend now that Reid was the only one to blame for their marriage ending. He could’ve talked to Reid about his worries early on, but he didn’t. They could’ve sought out marriage counseling, but it would probably have been too late anyway. And towards the end, Luke had met Paul. Paul was an engineer Luke had met through the foundation and who had immediately expressed great interest in him, but Luke never reciprocated Paul’s advances until after the separation. After only two months of dating, Luke moved in with Paul in Chicago, partly to avoid dwelling on the situation with Reid.

Only several months into the relationship, Paul had asked Luke to marry him. Luke stalled on giving him an answer for a long time, but had ultimately said yes. He knew he loved Paul, and even though he didn’t feel the same raw and all-consuming attraction he had once felt towards Reid, Luke knew that he would be able to build a happy life with him. But the proposal had forced him to face the uncomfortable reality that he was still legally married to Reid. Why had neither of them already drawn up the paperwork? What had they been waiting for? Luke had thought many times of calling Reid and just getting it over with, getting the divorce finalized much earlier, but he could never make himself pick up the phone. Luke pulled the envelope from his arm and fingered the crisp edges. It was now or never.

He checked his watch again. Quarter till 11. He had been sitting, brooding on the past for half an hour. After a few deep breaths, Luke stood and moved to the elevator at the end of the hall, the fabric of his suit jacket occasionally brushing the envelope that had been returned to its spot under his arm. The same moment he pushed the up button, the doors drifted open. Luke noticed feet first, and gradually lifted his eyes to meet hips, lab coat, neck, and finally eyes. He was suddenly standing face to face with Reid.

 

2.

Reid was startled to see Luke standing in front of him at the threshold to the elevator and for a moment could do nothing but stare. It had been ages since he’d seen Luke’s face in person. “Luke,” Reid stammered, brow furrowed.

“Reid,” Luke answered, seeming to realize he was also staring. He busied himself with the manila envelope he had been carrying. “I’m here to… ,” he hesitated as he expelled a breath, “get the divorce papers signed.” A moment of silence drew itself out awkwardly. “You said to come by some night this week.” Luke’s voice rose at the end of the sentence as if questioning the information.

“Right,” Reid nodded, remembering the phone call clearly. He suddenly wasn’t sure he could do this but pressed on anyway. “Let’s head back up to my office.” Luke kept his eyes lowered as Reid backed up into the elevator to give him room to enter. Reid pressed the button labeled “5.”

The doors closed and Reid settled in for the short ride. He peered toward the other side of the elevator and noticed how guarded Luke looked, his arms crossed in front of him and his eyes downcast. He suppressed the sudden impulse he had to study Luke’s face and instead stared up at the flashing numbers above their heads.

The moment after the number “4” lit up bright and conspicuous, a horrible lurching sound echoed throughout the small space, and the floor beneath their feet halted to a jerking stop, startling Reid into a precarious sway. Luke’s arms freed themselves and sought purchase against the walls before everything became still and quiet. Reid knew the maintenance people had been working on this elevator and that he wasn’t in any real danger, but his heart started to beat a mile a minute in spite of himself.

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Reid groaned, pressing buttons frantically and glancing quickly back and forth between the control panel and the glowing numbers above the door. He tried to ward off the distinct sense of panic that was bubbling up through his chest.

“Reid, stop it,” Luke said in a voice that was at once both soothing and tense. “Don’t panic. We’ll be fine; just use the emergency phone to call for help, okay?”

Reid suddenly felt his elbow gripped by Luke’s hand, pulling him back to the moment. Reid nodded at Luke, ignoring the shock of electricity that Luke’s brief touch had ignited. It troubled him when he came up empty-handed upon attempting to remember the last time they had touched. His dismay must have shown on his face.

Luke’s hands fell back to his sides, retreating into his pockets. “You look like you might pass out. Are you lightheaded?” he said gently.

“I’m fine,” Reid said brusquely in return. He turned back to the panel and picked up the phone receiver. After hearing a voice on the other end, Reid breathed a sigh of relief and then berated the tired-sounding maintenance guy for no good reason. He hung up and muttered to Luke that there would be someone coming to help them in about 10 minutes. The floor seemed irresistibly inviting and Reid found himself sliding down the wall towards it, eyes drifting shut on the way.

Reid opened his eyes again when he heard Luke shuffle his feet in his direction and take a seat just to the left of him. Reid stared into the empty space on the other side of the tiny room, agonizingly aware of Luke’s proximity, casually wondering what had gone so wrong that they couldn’t even look at each other after a 12-year relationship.

“Hey, we got through this once before, didn’t we?” Luke commented, and Reid could hear the hint of a smile in his voice.

Reid thought back to the last time they were stuck in an elevator together, 13 years before. It felt like he was remembering someone else’s life, but it was still undeniably clear to him. Luke’s psychobabble talking him down from the brink was especially vivid. “Yeah, I’m afraid that incident’s been burned into my brain for eternity,” Reid said in a not-unfriendly tone, glancing at Luke. The eye contact got uncomfortable quickly and they both looked away again.

“So…,” Luke began, picking up the manila envelope that had fallen to the floor during the elevator shake-up, “are we gonna talk about this or are we just gonna ignore the elephant in the room?”

“What’s there to talk about? We’re here to sign some papers, so let’s just get it done.”

Luke hesitated, then said, “OK, if that’s what you want—,”

“Of course it’s not what I want,” Reid cut in sharply, “this is never what I wanted, but it’s too late to change anything now, so just hand me the pen.”

“What do you mean, it’s never what you wanted?” Luke shot back, voice rising. “You _never_ said you didn’t want this.”

Reid let his head fall back against the wall of the elevator and sighed. He thought back to their big break-up scene a year earlier. He’d avoided thinking about it up till now, wanting instead to push it out of his mind.

******

 _One Year Earlier_

 _“We never see each other, we never talk, we never have sex. Dammit, Reid, this is not a marriage anymore!” Luke shouted, voice wavering but still forceful. He paused to regain his composure before continuing. “I just think it’s time that we accepted that and moved on with our lives.”_

 _“What the hell is happening here? Are you saying you want a divorce?” Although Reid couldn’t deny that he’d noticed the distance between them, he’d always thought it was a simple rough patch that would resolve on its own._

 _“I’m saying that we’ve lost something that we used to have. Reid, this has been brewing for years now and I just can’t live with a husband who refuses to cut himself and his marriage some slack at his job.”_

 _Reid felt like he’d been slapped. “How dare you imply this is all my fault? You haven’t exactly been open about how apparently unhappy you’ve been all this time. Why didn’t you talk to me about this before?”_

 _“You were never here! And you can’t tell me you’ve been happy either, Reid, because I know that’s not true.”_

 _“No, I’m not happy,” Reid relented, “but—,”_

 _“Then I don’t see any other solution here,” Luke interrupted. “Because if we’re both unhappy, then I think we need some time apart.”_

 _Reid’s pride got the better of him and he’d be damned if he was going to beg Luke to stay. Besides, it was clear to Reid that Luke had already made up his mind. “That’s fine by me,” he said. Reid left the bedroom and shut the door with finality._

 _The next evening, Reid came home from the hospital to find Luke’s clothes and belongings gone and a note sitting on the kitchen table from Luke, who wrote that he’d decided to stay at the Lakeview until he could find some place more permanent. It didn’t seem real to Reid. He dropped into one of the kitchen chairs and tried to let it all sink in. A couple of hot tears struck the note in his hand before Reid decided that he was being weak and hideously sentimental. He was never the only decision-maker in this relationship and he would simply have to accept it if it was really over._

******

Reid shook his head and turned to Luke. His voice was defeated when he said, “You had already made your decision, Luke. You wanted out of our marriage, so who was I to stop you?”

“No, I…” But Luke trailed off, seeming to be deep in thought. “But you seemed so unhappy, Reid, and we never spent any time together anymore. I just figured I was giving you an out.”

Reid snorted mirthlessly. “Yeah, I was unhappy, Luke. But it was never because of you.” He paused and considered stopping there, unsure of how much he should reveal to Luke. He could feel Luke’s eyes on him, and he suddenly realized he knew very little about his husband’s life anymore. But certainly the reverse was true as well. Reid had never been one to blather on about personal stuff unless it was absolutely necessary, but he supposed Luke had a right to know about this, and continued. “After you left I realized that I’d been depressed for a long time.” He heard Luke breathe in audibly. “I don’t know why exactly. I think my job weighed on my spirits as much as it weighed on my schedule, which meant less time with you, which meant being depressed, which meant even less time with you, and it just went on and on. When you left, I saw a therapist and started getting better.” Reid’s voice softened to no more than a whisper. “I guess you never really realize how bad it is until you start to see the light again.”

Luke’s face had become concerned. “Jesus, Reid. I just thought you weren’t interested in spending time with me anymore. Why didn’t you say something?”

It was the question he’d avoided asking himself for ages. He didn’t have a good answer but gave it his best shot. “I guess I didn’t realize what was going on myself until what was done was done. But that’s no excuse. I’m sorry I never talked to you.”

Luke sighed gently. “No, I’m sorry for not saying something to you sooner. I could tell the hours at work were taking a toll but I held back. Why did I hold back?” Luke’s voice was cracking and before Reid knew what he was doing, he placed his hand over Luke’s and squeezed. Luke turned his face to Reid, brow furrowed, looking surprised but grateful. After Luke appeared to debate with himself internally, he leaned in and rested his head on Reid’s shoulder. In the space of a few seconds, Reid relaxed enough to exhale the breath he’d been holding, and wrapped his arm around Luke’s shoulders.

It was a few moments before either of them spoke. “Reid, what kept us together all that time if we sucked so bad at communicating?” Luke asked innocently.

“Resistance to change?” Reid guessed. “I don’t know, Luke. I mean, we definitely weren’t always so unskilled at talking to each other.”

“Yeah, I remember when we used to work out problems easily. I guess I took it for granted that that would never change.” Luke shifted his legs and continued, “But I don’t think it was as simple as resisting change. Maybe we just stayed together because we still loved each other.”

Reid felt like breaking down right there in the elevator. He had known his own feelings for Luke had never changed but had been uncertain of Luke’s return feelings, especially near the end of their marriage. With the benefit of hindsight, it seemed ridiculous to him now that he had never talked to Luke about this. He supposed it had been some flawed form of self-protection, because what was the point of protecting himself if it meant he would lose Luke? He decided to keep his guard up just in case. “What are you saying, Luke?”

Luke suddenly sat up and studied Reid’s face intently. Reid supposed he looked vulnerable because Luke’s gaze was tender. A note of regret tinged his voice when he said, “Reid, I know I… resented how much time you spent at work, but…,” he trailed off, taking a fortifying breath before continuing, “my love for you never went away… even though I never told you. I just thought your feelings for _me_ had changed.”

The agony of regret made Reid want to take hold of the world and shake it until he could go back in time and smack the idiocy right out of his past self. Even though he knew it was all irreparable now, he spoke to Luke with the frankness that accompanies contrition, “Luke, I never stopped loving you, even at the end. I know I can’t change what happened, but… I’m sorry.”

Luke stared into Reid’s eyes. “God, I’m sorry, too, Reid. What a mess we made of things.”

Reid couldn’t help but embrace Luke, and Luke went willingly. He didn’t know what the future held, but it felt right to be back in Luke’s arms again.

The moment broke when the elevator suddenly jolted back to life, moving the ground beneath them, until an unnervingly loud “ding” signaled that they had at last reached the fifth floor. The doors opened and the real world came flooding into their bubble of solitude. They untangled themselves reluctantly. Upon seeing the maintenance man standing before them, Reid suddenly remembered the original intent of the meeting. A new wave of sadness and uncertainty hit Reid like a splash of cold water. Luke was going to leave him all over again.

“Sorry about the wait, fellas. Are you two okay?” said the man with an apologetic expression.

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Luke answered, standing up and lending a hand to Reid. Both of them were set to exit the elevator, but the man’s voice stopped them.

“Hey, don’t forget your papers,” he said as he grabbed the manila envelope from the floor where it had been left.

Luke met Reid’s eyes before hesitantly accepting the envelope from the maintenance man.

“Thanks,” said Luke civilly, before turning away and walking with Reid down the hall toward Reid’s office. They hadn’t gone far when Luke stopped abruptly. “Listen, Reid, I don’t want to ignore what just happened in there.”

Reid stopped walking, too, the nervous tingling of relief undeniable at Luke’s words. “Neither do I…,” he confessed, “but… aren’t you supposed to get married next week?”

Luke nodded uncertainly and eyed the floor. “Yeah. To Paul.”

Reid’s heart constricted upon hearing his name. He had heard about the upcoming wedding from the nurses’ gossip, but hadn’t wanted to believe it. “Do you love him?”

Luke looked pained. “I do love him, but Reid, I don’t think I want to sign these papers just yet. Maybe I can postpone the wedding while I think this through and talk to Paul. I mean, I think you and I need to talk some more, if that’s okay with you,” he said with that endearing sincerity Reid had always loved.

Exhaling, Reid indulged in a tentative smile that was half-cautious and half-relieved. “Yeah, Luke. That’s okay with me.”

The smile that Luke gave him in return was revelatory. Reid never realized how much he had missed that blinding smile until he had gone so long without it. “So, I guess this is good night,” Luke said with a shrug.

Reid inhaled roughly and made a general sound of agreement. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“I’ll see you soon, OK?” Luke turned away toward the stairwell, but after taking only a few steps, suddenly turned back and marched right back up to Reid. Reid didn’t have time to register what was happening before Luke’s lips were pressed firmly to his and his face was seized by soft hands. A rush of feeling overwhelmed Reid’s senses, making his spine tingle and his belly tremble with fluttering. Reid held onto Luke’s forearms for dear life. The memory of Luke’s smell and his taste all came back instantaneously and Reid was dazed with the rightness of it. He had missed Luke more than he had let himself acknowledge, and one kiss would never be enough. But just as Reid tried to deepen it, the kiss was over and Luke was pulling back, resting his forehead against Reid’s to catch his breath. Luke met Reid’s eyes but didn’t say anything.

Reid couldn’t speak either but released the subtlest of whimpers at the loss of warmth when Luke backed away again toward the stairwell. He couldn’t help but savor the glimmer of hope that was sweeping through him.

Luke never broke their eye contact as he smiled sweetly again and said, “Good night, Reid.”


End file.
